Molotovs, Musk, and Madness -A Love Letter to Chaos from Salem, Oregon

In the Capitol town of Salem, Oregon, where the most thrilling event is usually a new flavor at the local donut shop, a scene straight out of a low-budget action flick unfolded. Picture this: a man, armed with Molotov cocktails and an AR-15-style rifle, deciding that his personal vendetta against electric cars was worth a potential 20-year prison sentence.

Meet Adam Matthew Lansky, 41, who apparently thought the best way to spend his Saturday night on January 20, 2025, was to channel his inner anarchist at the local Tesla dealership on Mission Street SE. Surveillance footage, which could easily double as a tutorial on “How Not to Commit Arson,” shows Lansky lighting and tossing at least eight Molotov cocktails. Not satisfied with just a light show, he also introduced a rock to a showroom window, perhaps thinking the glass needed some fresh air.

But wait, there’s more. As a Tesla vehicle at a nearby charging station began to drive off—likely the most exciting thing that car had experienced—Lansky whipped out his AR-15-style rifle with a suppressor and aimed it at the departing vehicle. Because nothing says “I have a well-thought-out plan” like threatening an electric car minding its own business.

Fast forward to February 19, and our protagonist decided that a sequel was in order. This time, he allegedly shot out the dealership’s windows, because if at first you don’t succeed in expressing your disdain for clean energy, try, try again.

Investigators, doing the job they were actually paid to do, found four more unlit Molotov cocktails in the parking lot. Fingerprints on some of the bottles matched Lansky’s, because who has time for gloves when you’re on a mission?

Lansky was arrested on March 4, facing charges for illegally possessing an unregistered destructive device. If convicted, he could be a guest of the federal prison system for up to 20 years, giving him plenty of time to ponder more constructive hobbies.

In a twist that only 2025 could provide, President Donald Trump chimed in on the situation, suggesting that individuals involved in such vandalism should face imprisonment in El Salvador. Because when dealing with domestic vandalism, outsourcing punishment to Central America is clearly the logical next step.

So, here we are, in a world where electric cars are the targets of Molotov cocktails, and the perpetrators might end up in foreign prisons. Just another day in the land of the free and the home of the brave.