Tesla, Bulletproof? Not Quite

I woke up this morning to the kind of news that makes you reconsider your life choices. Someone shot up the Tesla dealership in Salem. You know, the one where hopeful tech bros and suburbanites with good credit go to order their rolling iPads. Apparently, around 5 a.m., someone decided the glass showroom windows were just a little too transparent and ventilated them with a few rounds.

Police showed up, squinted at the evidence, and are now playing their favorite game of “Is This Politically Motivated?” because, well, it’s Tesla. And Tesla means Elon, and Elon means either the hero or villain of modern America, depending on which end of the internet you fell into.

This isn’t even the dealership’s first brush with crime. Last month, someone torched a Tesla in the lot and smashed up the place, which really makes you wonder: Is this an organized anti-Elon rebellion, or just Salem’s version of performance art? Either way, if you had “Tesla dealership gets shot up” on your 2025 Bingo card, congratulations.

The FBI and ATF have joined in, which means we’re officially in serious incident territory. No arrests yet, but police are asking anyone with information to come forward. I assume this means the same people who call into AM radio shows to report suspicious neighbor activity.

If nothing else, this proves one thing: Teslas may be bulletproof in Cybertruck marketing videos, but not so much in real life.